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How do you move past a breakup?

Writer's picture: Kaley EvansKaley Evans



advice on how to move past a breakup
How do you move past a breakup



Question –

How do you move past a breakup?

 

Background –

I recently broke up with my boyfriend. Over the past year, I cried most of the time and the bad times outweighed the good ones. I know ending things was the right thing to do, but I’m struggling to get over it. What do I do?

 

Response –

First of all, I’m sorry you’re experiencing this – it’s never easy, to say the least. By the sounds of it though, it sounds like your reasoning to end this was just, but in the meantime, it’s challenging to sit in the emotional aftermath of a breakup (dating or friendship).


There are few ways to support you in navigating through this experience.


The first one could be blocking him from your socials and your phone for a while until you’ve moved into a place where you won’t be triggered by seeing his posts or if he reaches out. If you have photos on your phone, consider hiding them in a hard-to-reach folder, or consider placing actual photos in a box under your bed. Anything to remove your ability to doom scroll when the inevitable ghosts of your relationship’s past come to haunt you (which they will but allow them to come say hi but not in for tea wink).


The second thing you can do is to double-down on the self care for yourself. This means prioritizing lots of sleep, eating healthy, drinking lots of water, watching funny movies or shows, doing fun things with your friends, go out into nature (beach or on a hike), shift your focus onto doing the things that you love to do and that bring you joy. You may even want to try a new hobby or take up an old one that’s fallen by the wayside. This way, it will keep your mind busy and off of the heartache, laughing and easing yourself into a new chapter and new you.


But this doesn’t mean shove down and ignore your heartache and the difficult emotions that come with breakups. When you feel them tap on your shoulder, acknowledge them, allow them to temporarily sit with you, then let them leave by changing your activity back onto something you love again.


Journaling may also provide you with some much-needed release and expression while providing some clarity and wisdom. Even writing a letter from your Future Self to your Current Self detailing all of the growth and fun things you’re doing now may also support you in reframing and connecting to the New You who’s waiting on the other side of this temporary pain/experience.


Being of service to another friend who's also going through a breakup or difficult challenging time may also support you in moving through this heartbreak. By shifting our focus off of ourselves and our own pain by helping someone else, we're also building up our confidence, self esteem, connection and positive emotions because we're transmuting our own pain into something productive by using a different part of our brain to help our friend that isn't emotional based. And you never know, the support you give your friend may also support you with yours.


Put something exciting on the calendar, like a girls’ weekend get-away somewhere, or an evening out with friends with dinner and a concert. Whatever it is, make a commitment to it by putting it on your calendar and have fun with it. By giving yourself something to look forward to will help you shift your focus and mindset.


Give yourself a goal to work on, like running your first 10k race. You can make the training for it fun by having a weekly training run with friends, and have a run where you go solo and blast your fave playlist or Taylor Swift on repeat. Getting lost in the process and pursuit of this goal will assist in getting your mind off of the heartache while moving your body and boosting those feel-good emotions like endorphins, serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin (which are also the same feel-good emotions you get when you’re high in love wink).


Try to avoid anything that will numb your pain (as tempting as that may seem in this moment), like clubs, bars, alcohol, etc, as these will serve to temporarily numb the difficult emotions while also numbing you from the positive-feel-good emotions as well (we can’t selectively numb) and could possibly dig you deeper into the pit of despair (take it from my own past experience, this will only serve to create a drunk, crying, and despresso version of yourself that no one, including yourself, would want to be around). And unfortunately, we can’t speed up or bypass the healing process.


Put yourself first, be easy with your tender heart, and know that healing isn’t linear. You will have days where you’ll feel completely over it but then a wave of sadness will wash over you – this is completely normal. Over time, this will fade and you’ll be left with the wisdom and growth this experience has given….it just won’t feel like it right now.

 

Best of luck and happy healing!


kaley evans dot com
love kaley

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