Background –
I’ve been going through a lot lately with work and life. I had a really stressful day at work, I ended up crying to my boyfriend about it. All he did was caress my back and tell me it’s going to be ok then went back to scrolling on his phone. Am I right for feeling like he was dismissive of my feelings? Am I wrong for feeling this way?
Response –
For starters, you’re never wrong for how you’re feeling. Having said that, we all manage and show up for different emotions in different ways – usually depending on how we grew up. Perhaps that was how difficult emotions and situations were handled in his family growing up? Perhaps not.
By the sounds of it, you were expecting a different response from him, and he wasn’t showing up the way you needed him to in that moment. When you’re emotions have calmed down, have an objective conversation with him about how you would like him to show up and give support to you in those moments. Try to stay away from processionary language such as “you” (ie: “YOU were on your phone and YOU only patted my back”). Try reframing it as: “When I’m in that emotional state, what would really help me calm down is for you to hug me”. Men typically like to be fixers and want to find solutions and fixes to our problems, whereas women tend to be more of the listeners and soothers.
A great place to start for both of you when either of you are experiencing a conflict or upset or challenge is to ask the other: Do you need me to listen, to offer a solution, or both? This allows that person to understand what you need from them in that matter and allows them to show up the way you need them to.
On the flip side, if you’ve had that conversation and he either forgets or disregards your boundary request, perhaps consider turning to another trusted person in your circle who can show up for you the way you need in those moments. Some people are unable to meet and hold space for our emotions, which is neither right or wrong, just where they’re at in their emotional growth.
Comments