First Life Whispers, then it Shouts.
So often in life, we’re directed down different paths. Sometimes, we use our own free will to make those path changes, and sometimes, Life chooses for us.
One provides us with autonomy and choice, which often carries with it an overall sense of happiness and excitement; the other provides force and constraint, which usually carries frustration, hurt, and challenge. And that, over time, will lend itself to happiness and gratitude….we just can’t see it in the beginning stages. One seems easy, the other seems hard. You get where I’m going with this.
Think back to any challenging or difficult moment in your past. And when you reflect back on it, were there clear moments where a small, indifferent sign was there, you just couldn’t see it until it was too late. That in retrospect, you would’ve made a different choice in the beginning moment versus hanging on to find out…
the preverbal “fuck around and find out”. Unbeknownst to you, you did fuck around and you did indeed find out.
Whatever you choose to believe or not believe about external forces, as you move through life, you discover that Life has a way of directing and redirecting us on our various paths in life.
Like a choose-your-own-adventure book, but we don’t get to read ahead to decide if we want to commit to this path or choose a completely different option.
Our choice - or autonomy - in the matter is when we decide to listen and take action. As was the case when I learned the outcome of ignoring Life’s whispers.
Summer of 2012. After what was a fast-paced year filled with filled with change and challenges, I was ready for yet another change to my life: changing cities. Having stayed back from moving to a different city years before for a guy (spoiler alert: it didn't work out). So needless to say, I was ready to for a new start.
The first whisper from Life came in August, the then-boyfriend spent most of the month away on a trip and out of service. At the start, my co-dependancy said: “how am I going to get through this month without him?”; however, by the end of the month, that question quickly faded into the stark realization I hadn’t miss him at all. In fact, I hadn’t thought of him at all the entire month. This realization was "poorly timed", I told myself - we were about to pack everything up and move to a new town.
Rather than listening, I handled it how I typically handled difficult things back then and repressed that shit down, as if someone was stomping an overflowing garbage can in an attempt to buy themselves more time before taking it out.
I carried on with the plan because…"isn’t this what I always wanted?" I reminded myself as I packed up all my things and moved out of the tiny place we shared together.
We landed in a tiny town a few hours north of my hometown into a cute house in a tiny village that was framed by mountains, had one main road, 1,500 residents, and three dive bars (because, priorities). 😜
I got a job, made a great group of friends. But shortly after establishing a life in this new town, Life began to whisper again - just a little bit louder than before.
I began to spend more time with friends and less time with him. He abruptly had a career change that took him up north. As the summer began, I found myself abandoning myself yet again by agreeing to give up this life to join him up north.
The first long weekend of the summer up, I flew up to the northern town, where he fought hard to sell me on moving there. And he was successful. When I got back, I put in my notice at work. A friend was candid by highlighting my obvious lack of enthusiasm for this impending move. And that friend was right, I wasn’t excited. Now Life wasn’t whispering to me, it was beginning to speak louder to me.
At the last minute, the plan fell through. He lost his job, I didn't have one for much longer. That was when I decided to move back to my hometown. I tossed out a "you can join me if you like". Well, he joined me, and Life spoke even louder to me. But by this point, Life wasn’t speaking; it was yelling.
Instead of taking the queue then, I continued to ignore the now-shouting comments from Life. I knew I had to end it. I knew I had to leave. But still, I continued to make excuses to justify myself to stay in that unserving and toxic situation.
“Oh, we’re on a lease...”, “after I’m done the semester...”, “we both have exams...”, “I won’t be able to find or afford a place on my own...”, “I don’t want to live with Craigslist rando roommates...”…yada, yada, yada…you catch my drift.
With each day that passed, my circumstances didn’t improve, they only grew worse. And since I was actively ignoring Life, it would take another route by shouting so loudly that I couldn't ignore it.
After stalling on excuses all winter-long, I found myself stopped in mid-day gridlock. The light was green but nobody was moving. What a metaphor for my life at this time.😅 Out of nowhere, the life as I knew it would come to an abruptly halt.
The jolt was hard to ignore, but it was the ringing in my ears and the unshakeable sensation of “what the fuck just happened” that pulsated through my body as I was trying to make sense of what just happened. It was hard to comprehend how the injuries weren’t critical in comparison to the level of destruction from the cement truck that smashed into it. Now Life was screaming at me. And now, I was forced to listen.
For close two years, I had three physiotherpay appointments a week: one for the concussion, and the other two for 75 IMS* needles jammed into my neck and upper back. These affectionately became known as the “stitch and bitch sessions", where I could distract myself from the IMS needles while airing allllll of my grievances.
* IMS (Intra-Muscular Stimulation) is a process of thin acupuncture needles “threaded”, not jammed, into a tense or injured muscle in a bid to force the muscle to release or relax*
Shortly after the collision, I ended things with the then-boyfriend and moved into a cute apartment of my own. Since I was on a time out given by Life, I was now forced to take stock of what I really wanted out of life and not what I thought others wanted of me.
Having been stripped down to the foundation, like an old house stripped to its frame in anticipation of a much-needed renovation, so too was I. Renovate myself a new life, one that was authentic to myself and I wouldn't abandon myself again - especially for the sake of a relationship.
Whenever we’re going off track in life and living a life that’s not authentic to ourselves, Life has a way of speaking to us. First in whispers, then in screams, depending on if we don't listen.
Throughout this experience, I kept asking myself: “How did I get here?!”
Which was the wrong question to ask,
because I knew how I got there, I just didn’t know how to get myself out of it.
I knew how I got there - I consistently ignored the whispers from Life, I abandoned myself for the sake of others, I didn't take accountability for the role i was played, and I was on a path that was not authentic to me but what I felt that's what others wanted of me.
So, the question isn’t so much “will Life let me know if I’m on the wrong path?”, but more of “Life will let you know when you’re on the wrong path, but will you listen?”
We may not get to decide what experiences we have in life, but we do get to decide how we choose to navigate it, and to some extent, how much we’re willing and able to listen to the subtle whispers before they become loud screams.
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